TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND

                                                  The wife is the most trustful friend to a husband for his entire life after he got married. The good understanding between husband and wife is the everlasting spirit that leads husband to achieve the family goals. The real trust can make a good and joyful family life. In this topic, the Buddha’s idea was “a good understanding makes a good family life”. It’s existing until death, from where the connection started between the couple. We can see many Buddhist suttas that preached by the Buddha about the connection of a husband and a wife (Pațamasanvasa sutta, veludvāra sutta, pahārada sutta,mahāgovinda sutta, kula sutta, mallikā sutta, anuruddha sutta, sabrahma sutta etc.). On the side of the husband, The Buddha’s idea was that the husband should consider his wife as his friend and the most trustworthy. And husband should treat her in a nice and lovable way. Both husband and wife should have good qualities for a good family life. If one side fails to fulfill the responsibilities, the other side will be uncomforted and unsatisfied. Therefore the wife also should treat his husband in a lovable and nice way. In every time The Buddha gave instructions for both husband and wife for the balance of the family.

 

1.      Faith [sama-saddha]: husband and wife should have the same level of spiritual faith and the same level of “aim in life”

2.      self-discipline [sama-sīla]: husband and wife should have the same standards of Precepts, manners and etiquette as one another;

3.       self-sacrifice [sama-cāga]: husband and wife should have the same level of self-sacrifice in selflessly devoting themselves to generous deeds or helping others;

4.      wisdom [sama-paññā]: husband and wife should have the same level of wisdom, creativity, empathy and common sense — being on the same communicative “wavelength” — neither suffering overly from stubbornness.

According to the above four points, it helps to make a happy family life. As well as it helps the protection and the balance of the family life. According to the topic, a husband could get a clear idea and strong feeling regarding wife as his only one trustful and lovable partner. Treating  as a companion to the partner, is kinds of great facts to win the faith of wife and it is a hints to have the same partner in every birth to the same husband.

Maintaining good channels of communication, according to the principles recommended by the Lord Buddha, is healthy. Specialy  “emotional bank account” [saṅgahavatthu] with the wife. There are four ways of maintaining a healthy emotional bank account. (According to the topic, the husband is the main point.)

 

·         Giving resources [dāna]: If two people are going to live together they must be able to share what they have with their partner. Once married, all the properties owned by individuals should be shared. Keep something safe only for an individual’s benefit, is the way to create suspicion and sorrow which is leading to burn the marriages. Thus, it is important to keeping an open channel of communication in the marriage, whereby, the wife can consult the husband, if they are suffering or are having problems with material resources.

·         Endearing speech [piyavācā]: A husband always should take care of his polite speech to address his wife, even in the case of he needs to criticize the wife. Sometimes, if the situation became too informal and careless, words that used by the husband may touch, where the more sensitivity in the wife’s heart and the vision. Also, it disturbs the peace of the family. After marriage, husband should use the same standard of polite speech used before marriage!

·         Helpfulness [atthacariyā]: A husband and wife need to understand each other.understanding each other is helping, to know the time and things that partner seeking the help. Also, if the husband learns something new, concerning spiritual knowledge, he should share it with his spouse. When a conflict arises in the marriage, there is a huge temptation to put all the blame on the other partner, instead of taking collective responsibility — but if both are well-versed in spiritual teachings, the couple will tend to deal with the in a wise manner, instead of merely looking for someone to blame.

·         Consistency [samānatatta]: Both husband and wife has implicit duties in the marriage. If a husband has decided that his wife should take responsibility of the house works, he should help and fulfill her requirements for the success.   Instead of blame at her for some inadvertence.  The wife has feelings of freedom, friends, parent like as the husband. Let her enjoy with her feelings is her right. The husband should understand it. Instead of, the husband thinks only about his personal happiness. If both partners meditate on a daily basis, they will tune in more easily to consistent harmonious behaviors.

In the Siṅgalovāda Sutta the Buddha advised of five duties a husband should fulfil towards his wife

·         He must praise his wife: He should not keep a wife in secret. Once a man got married, he should accompany his wife in public, not keeping his wife in secret. He should have a proper, lawful registration of his marriage. He should be careful to treat his wife with respect, not criticizing her personally in front of inferiors.

·         He must never look down on his wife: Even though a couple is married it doesn’t mean that a husband has an attitude to respect his wife. Sometimes he may look down on her or even treat her like a slave or a pet animal. A husband restrains himself from looking down at his wife in any way, shows his responsibility for the human dignity of others.

·         He must never be unfaithful: Because a Buddhist husband is a man of virtue, it goes without saying that he refrains from the Four Defilements of Action [kammakilesa]: killing, stealing, adultery and telling lies. He would thus never be unfaithful to his wife, because doing so would destroy the human dignity of himself and his wife. The feelings of a person who is found guilty of sexual misconduct are described in the Sutta Nipata.

·         He should give his wife the responsibility for looking after the house: To demonstrate his sincerity and trust for his wife, a husband must give his wife the final word in the organization of the household and the family without interfering. If his wife is a “working mother” it doesn’t make her any less responsible for the affairs of the home and the family, but husband and wife will need to come to an agreement, according to the principles of the “emotional bank account”, whereby she can manage to keep on top of her domestic responsibilities without being overloaded.

·         He should bring his wife gifts of clothing or jewelry: Such gifts express the love of a husband for his wife and his appreciation of her virtues. Such generosity can mend many marriages. It breathes a new air of life into a relationship. A husband should take his wife shopping for things she wants to buy. He should encourage her to do the things she wants to do sometimes to allow her to get out of the house occasionally.

 

The good husband protects ethics. Sila is very important practice for good life. By protecting precepts can make the mind calm, body and words also. Then many unethical things can destroy.  A Good husband is a treating well to his wife’s family, as his family, in every time (ññātibali). It is a good feeling to the wife. A Good husband should understand his wife’s physical and mental situation. In āvenikadukka sutta has mentioned about the woman’s menses cycle and other physical things. Man should understand this biological thing before marriage. That was the Buddha’s teaching. When the husband understands it, he never troubles his wife. He should understand his wife’s mentality as well. A Husband should make strong bound with the wife. Itti bandana sutta in Anguttara nikaya, tells how a man can make a good bond with a woman. The Husband should make his wife’s mental happiness by fulfilling responsibilities and giving his love. As well as he should make her happy with the body. Migasālā sutta says couples should get a good orgasm by doing sex. It’s called sādarasantusți. He should make a good protection for his wife. Because husband is the only one who responsible for her protection. Every woman likes to feel relaxed when she is with her husband. By fulfilling everything husband can make his wife feel relax when she is with him. Likewise, Buddha had preached many facts about how to treat wife as a friend, companion and partner in husband’s life.

There are many suttas for protecting the balance of the family life. According to the topic, I concentrate especially on husband’s side. Therefore, I found many points to be a good husband. As well as a good wife. According to my point of view Buddhist husband should consider his wife as a best friend and most trust one.